On Pregnancy…

Being pregnant is so different from what I thought it would be. Aside from this little developing being, I’m amazed at how much I am growing and changing. The obvious way of course is physically, but even that is amazing in how much my body shifts and perfectly accommodates the little person in there and all my organs somehow move exactly where they need to be to keep doing their job. It’s a shocking feeling to realize that I am breathing, eating and even pumping blood for myself and another person. I’ve never been so physically present in my life or amazed at how truly marvelous and strong the human body is, at how it perfectly adapts and shifts to create balance, like a landscape or ecosystem,  and generates energy for two lives. In this way, my body is like the Earth and I participate in an inner dance with Nature.

Emotionally and mentally, I’m changing too and not just in wild shifts of hormonal imbalances, although that does happen every so often, but in a strange sense of “letting go” that all my years of meditation, yoga and spiritual studies never brought me even close to. Letting go of control and just allowing things to be. Pregnancy, I suppose in a way, is a fast track to learning how to release control, or at least it has been for me. It’s actually very liberating to finally release it, to accept the world and myself as it is….accepting this moment, this life, this place in space and time as exactly what it should be. Moving consciously into a sense of openness to all life.

Joseph Campbell talks about how you’re never truly alive until you can say “Yes,” to life as it is. I don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain this state of consciousness after pregnancy, but as of this moment, I feel like I understand that. Saying “yes” to this moment in time, no matter what it is, even if I feel great sadness…saying “yes” to that emotion, and accepting ALL of my emotions as part of myself. Enjoying the fleeting moments of amazement and joy and vulnerability and warmth and the love I feel for this little one who is part of myself. This little being who is part of my every movement and heartbeat. I and this little being are one right now. It’s the most intimate thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Without even trying there is already a deep and very rich, meaningful communication between us. Without even trying, he is already held, nurtured, spoken to, embraced, loved and known by me, held by my most natural instincts and inner nature.

I say “yes” to this little soul. Yes, I want you to be here. Yes, you are welcome here. Yes, I look forward to meeting you soon. And to myself, I say “yes” I want to be alive. I say yes to my life now. I have never felt more awake or willing to accept this moment of reality and existence.

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to do this. I didn’t think I would be capable of the task or that I’d be too selfishly absorbed in my own melodrama to care about moving into adulthood and becoming a mother, but I was wrong. That was before I knew what I was truly capable of. That was before I ever realized just how much love I could have for another person, or that I’d be willing to lay down my life for someone else without fear. I’ve never felt more courage or excitement about anything. I once thought motherhood was “giving something up,” I never realized what you get in return is exponentially greater. I enjoyed my life before. I did. I went on adventures and traveled and got to explore to know myself and what I stand for and what I love and I did those things and I will continue to do those things. I’m also happy I have had 8 beautiful years with my spouse – for it to be “just us.” I feel truly blessed by God or the Universe or whatever you want to call the great mysterious force governing all life, that we had such great times together over the years. But I also remember feeling a longing, an absence, a “something is missing” emotion over the past three to four years. There’s a Björk song where she sings, “I miss you but I haven’t met you yet/ So special but it hasn’t happened yet/ You are gorgeous but I haven’t met you yet/ I remember but it hasn’t happened yet.” I know it’s totally corny to quote pop music, but that’s exactly how I felt.  The Universe believed in me even before I did. The lesson comes when the student is ready.

There is not one single thing I have ever done in my silly little life before this that has been as challenging, rewarding or affirming and spiritually astonishing as this. Not school, or awards or accolades. Not dance, not previous moments of revelation, and most certainly NOT A JOB. I think moving here was the prep before the test, a shedding of old identities so a new one could be born….for both of us. Not one single thing has ever felt this incredible. And he hasn’t even been born yet! I have only to trust now and release into my most natural state of being. My body knows just what to do, I have only to trust it.