As the year draws to a close and my birthday approaches yet again, I am beginning to feel oddly internal. This year has been full of outward projections, but my energetic personality which has manifested itself so much this year is feeling the need to retreat. This is not, by any means, meant to imply I am becoming a hermit. No, no, no. I am a social being and I crave human interaction the way some crave food. I love being with interesting people who know themselves and like to share their world, but I’m feeling less and less of a need to “perform.”
I’ve been working on the internal more as of late. To reach deep in there and pull out what I’ve been looking for. My husband and I had a conversation recently about my sense of “purpose,” and how I have long been in the habit of devaluing the things I actually enjoy doing because, for example, while I am belly dancing, other people are out there feeding starving children in Africa. My husband however, God bless him, told me to stop comparing myself to those who feel their calling is in such deeds. If it was the thing I was meant to do, I would have already been doing it. It is enough to do whatever it is that you love to do with passion. Art IS a transformative force in the world because it inspires others and gives them something to live for. He said, “You like dancing and you believe in what you’re doing. You can’t believe in something you don’t like, can you? No one ever said that they regret not becoming an accountant.” Adrian has a very direct way of cutting through my bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.
And I think this matter is what’s driving me to go inside. What is my art? Is it writing, dancing, my design work? Well, it has some elements of this but I’ve always been drawn to metaphysics and the spiritual realms more than anything else. The reason I was SOOOO drawn to belly dance, initially, was the ritual behind it and the rich tradition of women’s spirituality it carries. I’m feeling less of a need to share that with those who are not seeking the same things I am. I still enjoy performing, don’t get me wrong, but a part of me wants to take this to the temple.
As far as the dance goes, I’m feeling pulled more to those styles which come from traditional “folk” dances and organic cultures while pulling away from Fusion a bit. I think I’m just bored with technique, technique, over layers over more technique. I want to ask, “Okay so you can do all these moves and they’re cool, but what do they actually MEAN to you?” I want to put some meaning back into what I’m doing and I think I can only do this, at least for a while, alone or with my closest sisters. Which is also not to imply that Fusion dancers cannot put meaning into what they are doing, but sometimes I feel like it’s lacking. I dance because it’s SACRED to me, others dance because it’s cool or fun or good exercise, and that’s fine too, but I want to get back to the sacred for a while. There’s a part of me that wants to move away from the restaurants and the shows and find a sacred space….a “church” of some kind, which is a really terrible word, but I can’t think of any other right now to express how I feel. I’m fully aware that this need could be temporary, but on the other hand, it could last a while…we’ll see.
In other aspects, I am being drawn more and more to those elements which drew me in as a young girl like astrology, numerology, alternative healing methods, Yoga, and nature worship. “We do not posses the Earth, the Earth possesses us.” Been reading a lot of Joseph Campbell and Mircea Eliade and I’ve also been getting into energy work thanks to my amazing friend Brooke.
This year is all about transformations and I think the birth of that transformation, at least for me, is starting now. I want to embrace it and I thank the Universe for the opportunity to grow.