Nightmarish Anxieties


So last week, I reached kind of a fever-pitch anxiety level over this show. Mostly because I’m a detail oriented kind of person and there are a lot of details with this show. That and group coordination, etc. It was starting to drain me and my group, but this week with the help of some massage therapy, yoga and meditation, I felt like I was doing pretty good. Ya know, feeling pretty mellow about the whole deal. I always kind of reach this weird acceptance state when something big approaches ever closer. Like, it’s going to happen now at this point so there’s no point in wigging out about it. Which, don’t get me wrong, I AM way excited about it. I’m just kind of a spaz in wanting everything to be planned and perfect. But, I thought to myself, “Chill out! Everything is going to be exactly as it should be.”

So you can imagine my surprise when my dreamscapes last night were filled with the personification of my former worries. I had this weird dream that we showed up to Borrowed Earth only to discover it had been closed! And THEN our show had been moved across the street to that horrible rainbow eyesore of a mega-plex theater! As we got to the stage, I looked down and realized I was completely naked!

Yikes!

And then the audience was filled with a bunch of people who kept saying, “Hey! We came here to see Jackass 3D! What is this?” And they started throwing popcorn at us. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

At which point I ran into a corner and started crying. I believe this is about the time I woke up and realized to my relief that I was dreaming……Some chamomile tea and a few chapters into a good book later, I fell asleep and did not dream.

So what does this tell me? Well, obviously, that I am nervous about this show. There are many, many details, and factors about this thing that are beyond my control and that always makes me a little anxious. But having recognized this through the filter of my sleep revelations, I’ve decided nothing could possibly go as wrong as my nightmares, so I’ve already lived through the worst part ;0)

Essentially, I’m giving in, learning to trust, working with a group and accepting what I can and cannot contribute, taking deep breaths and diving in. This is really new and foreign to me and with foreign things, I always feel a little uncomfortable. But unlike in the past, I’m starting to like that feeling of discomfort. It means I’m pushing myself beyond my normal boundaries and growing. I think this is going to be a good time and I’m trusting my instincts. So by Saturday night, I expect to have good dreams filled with triumph and happiness and I will only be naked because I choose to be ;0)

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3 thoughts on “Nightmarish Anxieties

  1. I think the whole point of the dream came down to me feeling vulnerable i.e. naked and then people mocking me for my vulnerability, which in turn made me feel like a jackass. See, Dr. Freud has taught this little red hen well ;0)

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