After several weeks of mental turmoil which then resulted in physical illness, the Universe sent me gifts. Wonderful gifts in the form of Glenda Shenkal and Timothee Diers. And then Swan practiced Reiki on me last night.

I am feeling the warmth of blessings right now. Blessings in the form of friendship, love and insight. I’ve been so blessed with so many wonderful teachers like Deja and my friendship with Leah is bringing mutual, unexpected lessons. And of course, my mirror, Phoenix. And Swan, and Jen, and the Tiger Lily gals, and all the other wonderful people in my life.

As much as my illness was a negative and somewhat painful experience, it forced me to rest and be quiet and listen to the sound of my own heart. It made me take inventory. It’s time for me to admit that, as much as I wish I could operate at full-throttle all the time, my particular bone-house is not as, shall we say “thoroughbred,” as some people and I must listen to my body as well as my mind and heart and slow down when it needs a re-charge.

I need to listen to my instincts and ignore those “eye-brow raising, imaginary, bastards.” The voices in my head are often far worse than the ones in real-life. There is no “right way” to live life. There’s just life. Logically I know this, but it did not sink deep into my being until just recently. I have also FINALLY come to terms with a relationship that has plagued me my whole life. I truly had an “a-ha” moment about this relationship while talking to Glenda. You can love a person and not understand them or have to accept the parts of them that are hurtful. Boundaries. They are just as important as compassion.

Overall, I feel immense changes coming and I’m ready for them. I’m ready to follow spirit and not latch myself onto the train-ride of reckless thoughts anymore. I want to be empty and full at the same time.

I’ve always known I was unusual. There is a reason I was a complete loner as a kid, that I read theological texts when most children were reading fairy stories, that my mother caught me talking to “imaginary friends” all the time. My life is never going to be what I have been trained to believe is “normal.” Neither of us (Adrian or myself) will EVER be those people. We’re not designed that way. I say all the time that I want the suburban house with the two kids and the dog and the garden, but it’s a lie. It’s a lie I’ve convinced myself is true because it’s been programmed into me by a culture that doesn’t work for me. If I had those things I’d probably despise them. I’d want my freedom. I’d want spontaneity. I would long to feel spiritually alive and not just in a state of existence unto my death. Which is not to say the house+kids+dog lifestyle in the suburbs is bad or wrong. I’m sure it is fulfilling for a lot of people, even for most people. It’s just not for me. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished in my life that those things were enough. I’ve prayed to be normal. But it’s no good.

I’m DIFFERENT. It’s time to stop fighting that and just accept it. Adrian and I both experienced some pretty incredibly revelations recently. We’ve both been that person, trapped in a cave filled with water. We only need to have the courage to dive deep underneath to find the tunnel leading to light on the other side.

I am feeling the need more and more to return to the path that has called loudest to me. Even when I tried to be practical, to be normal, or when the disappointment of those attempts lead me down a self-destructive path into Hell, that call has always been there. I don’t know the way yet, but I’m looking. I’ve always been looking. Even when I was small, I was pulled to this. It’s time. I need to start the work.

Take a deep breath and leap.

***All Photos taken from The Ashes and Snow Project.***


8 Replies to “Surfacing”

  1. Lovely. I'm honored by your friendship and delighted at your bravery. (I'm also pleased you enjoyed the imagery of the imaginary people and their stupid eyebrows. It bring a little humor to moments that can feel SO deceptively real, doesn't it?)Swan

  2. I feel like I lack the ability to give this post a response it deserves, at least in written form, but reading this made me smile, and feel happy for you, want to hug you and tell you once again that I have always thought you were a goddess 🙂

  3. Britta. This is so beautifully written. You have a sensitivity and inner awareness that speaks to deep strength, and in turns strengthens your friends around you. You find expression for these profound expereiences, putting into words what kindred souls feel, and so help us also know better ourselves.yea. It's amazing (as are these accomponying pictures.) cheers 🙂

  4. Normality is for the bored anyways. Happy to play any part in your journey. New Mexico is just a short leap away. Here's hoping for many fuchsia elephants tromping you're way. Good job on the long hard look. Miss you guys.Love is and will be…

  5. I'm trying to convince the Phoenix to apply for New Mexico. Any further encouragement/prodding/pleading/tempting with promises of scantily clad senoritas would not be unappreciated on my end ;0)

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